THIGH.HIGHS. love. (because she can)
I want to kill myself. I am so awful at this. I am avoiding the hard work to lose weight knowing that I’ll feel better about myself when I am skinny. FUCK THIS.
Why do I eat when I know I’m a fucking whale? I used to have a 1 inch thigh gap. Now it’s all gone. I’m such a wreck.
day 3: on failure.
I can’t even look at thinspo tonight. I was SO GOOD until 8:30 pm. All day my calories were at like 200; then I went ahead and ate 460 cals between two protein bars. My fucking roommate is a pig and has all this food around and I just lost control. THEN I had: Pita chips + hummus, yogurt + cereal; a big bowl of cereal & milk; a mini bagel with butter & a slice of cheddar cheese and some squares of chocolate. I feel like a land yacht and I’m disappointed in myself. I think I can make up for it tomorrow, but that’s an excuse for the fact that I fucked up on day three.
They say it takes 21 days to break a habit and I couldn’t even make it to day 3. HOW WILL I EVER LOSE WEIGHT. I HAVE NO WILLPOWER. THIS IS MY LIFE AND IT IS OUT OF CONTROL. It’s upsetting.
So, I guess my intake calories-wise on this binge was like 1,200? The chips + hummus were probably 400, the yogurt + cereal was probably 300, 460+700 = 1,260 alone. So maybe it was more like 2,000? Fucccccccckkkk my life. Sleeping it off will equal maybe a loss of 300? 1,700 is like not terrible, but it’s 500+ over my max limit. I’m trying to stay at 1,000 calories a day for the next 30 days.
I waste my life on myself when I do shit like this. If my body is a temple, I’ve become an atheist. I need someone to be the angel on my shoulder, to kick my butt into shape!
I need to be 105 lbs! (100 if I’m really disciplined!)
day two: up, down, rebound.
so my fat fucking ass woke up and was like sooooo about to break, but I had a banana, and then got a medium coffee with a bit of soy & skim. What’s that, like 200 calories?
Then at 1:20 I got a med latte (I know, all the milk, I’m fat, remember?) and a banana. I’d say at most that’s like 350.
So, I was the last person in the office, and like trying to be so strict, but I caved. We had a lot of holiday candy left over, and I didn’t want to spend money on food. I didn’t binge as bad as I could’ve, but like it had the potential to be a fucking bad night. I had like 1/4 cup of pistachios, 6 hershey’s kisses, 10 jelly beans, 1 Lindt truffle, a handful of almonds, 10 m&ms, and a bite of a peppermint which I spit out. That’s probably like 500 calories.
So I was like faced with a tough choice: give in to feeling bad, go home and have cereal with my roommie, OR fucking suck it up, and have some fucking WILLPOWER. Giving yourself tough love is sometimes the one thing you have to do that you don’t want to. I want to binge, but I know it makes me feel bad about myself. Feeling skinny = control. Control = power. Power= happy. So, Skinny = happy.
So all in all, I recovered. I walked it off for an hour, which is like -161, and I should get about 8 hours of sleep. Tomorrow is Day 3. I’m proud I rebounded. When I got home, I immediately put my retainers in. They’re my secret weapon. Keep my teeth not busted, and you can’t eat when they’re in. I may be a college graduate who wears a retainer, but I’m not eating, and that means I’m an adult deciding how I will live my life.
Also, this time of the year is hard for me, because it’s when my mia stopped for a bit while I was dating a lovely, really skinny guy. The combination of sex, new date anxiety, and free time (I had just graduated college and was only working 4 days a week) meant that I was working out so much, not eating, and looking and feeling great.
…that is, until Feb. 4, when everything spiraled out of control and I got food poisoning and the flu. And he broke up with me. I dropped a lot of weight, looked great, felt horrible, and became a hermit. It’s so hard to find a balance between losing weight and having a social life. I hate it! I flaked on my friend tonight because I just couldn’t eat. And he’s like big on eating & drinking til you feel sick. I’m 5’ 1” and not a dude, it’s so different and he doesn’t understand. #stupidgirlproblems
Anyway, tomorrow’s menu:
Breaky: Medium Coffee + Banana 10:30
lunch: coffee or a cappucinno + apple 1:30
dinner: OJ (5pm) + chicken broth w/ cooked carrots (8pm)
ok I’m going to look at more thinspo. Hot skinny chicks weirdly make me horny right now. I think it’s a mix of envy and jealousy turning me on.
